Last week in Hollyoaks, or…

… I’m an academic, stop me watching soap operas

The story so far:

So, Mercedes is truly, madly, deeply in love with Dumbbell the footballer, with the emphasis on madly. And Dumb. I’m really not feeling the love and don’t quite see what she sees in him. Anyway, shortish version, he ended up with Mitzee, his (second) cousin. Mercedes stalked Mitzee, driving her a bit nuts, a common theme in Hollyoaks, that might be lacking a little in political correctness, but what the hell.  Having spent last week watching Hollyoaks Later, I’d say the odd slight about people being loony is the least of Hollyoaks’ problems.

Mercedes cracked Mitzee over the head with something or other and then stabbed herself so that when the whoozy Mitzee came round, Mercedes blamed her for the stabbing. Criminal justice in Chester appears to be a bit off key and no-one worked out that there was anything wrong with this scenario so Mitzee got sent dahn for seven years. In the meantime the unfortunate Linsey realised what Mercedes was up to. Creepy doctor, the one with a mouth like a sink plunger, killed Linsey, out of love for Mercedes. There were many, many suspects but eventually Jackie worked out that he’d dunnit, and after a car chase he was arrested.

Myra, Mercedes’s mother, worked out that Mercy stabbed herself. Cue much shouting of ‘But Mercy, have you no pity?’ Mercy, it appears, is the least appropriate nickname in the universe ever. Via the baby monitor, Myra established that Mercy was intent on Murder.  No-one specific, just a general threat to the world. The heavily pregnant Nancy has also realised that Mercy is guilty. So Mercy threatened the unborn child. And this was before I started watching the late-night stuff.

Onto the subplots. Dafoe-alike is an undercover cop. His brother is in some sort of vegetative state due to bad drugs. Brendan is a drug dealer so Dafoe wants Brendan to suffer. Although it was the doctor who killed Lindsay, Dafoe was present in the flat at the time and did nothing to stop it happening. I don’t think the police know this. Well they sort of do because Dafoe is the police.

Linsey’s murder was never anything to do with Brendan or the disgruntled psychopaths he had a grudge match with. That was Warren’s son and his girlfriend Theresa – who is possibly very pretty under all the makeup. With all the makeup she looks like Barbie. Anyway, all the stuff with the Filofax and the bullet with the pink ribbon was them. Brendan knows what they did. Which is good, because I’m barely keeping up and have forgotten why the pair of them don’t like Brendan. Beyond the usual standard that he’s mad and has stupid facial hair.

No idea where Silas the mass murdering granddad in beige slacks is. I last saw him getting on a bus. As loose ends go, he is one who could undo the very fabric of society.

Mitzee is in prison, sometimes referring to herself as Anne, which is apparently what she was called before she adopted her stage name. Curse her, I have enough problems remembering even one name. Mitzee’s mum turned up. Which is nice. I didn’t know she had a mum. She’s been notably absent so far. In fact I’m starting to think Mitzee’s hallucinating since her mum is allowed to stay there for as long as she likes. Oh I was right. She’s hallucinating.

Brendan cooks Wee Scottish Warren Spawn a birthday meal. The man is comedy gold. He likes making crème brûlée (‘it’s not pudding’) as  ‘you get to use a blow torch at the end, and that’s awesome.’ As it turns out, a sad presage of Brendan’s possible demise, as he must at least have singed that tash.

The teenagers decide to go to Amsterdam as one of them has been having an online romance with Lola. His mates tease him and are convinced that Lola isn’t who she says she is, cue a cry of: ‘for the last time, Lola is not a man’. Oh I think you’ll find she at least talks like a man, even if she walks like a woman. It’s a mixed up world.  Sometimes I love the scriptwriters. The teenagers all arrange a trip to Amsterdam. In Hollyoaks road trips only mean one thing – disaster and several deaths. If you watch Hollyoaks, you’ll never get in another minibus again.

Right, that’s the round up. Now I’m taking one for the team and watching Hollyoaks Later.

Apparently Later involves the Hollyoaks women wearing even less than they normally do.  I’d put in a plea for equality but I don’t really want to see the men wearing any less. Except maybe Dafoe-alike. He’s growing on me. He could just take that vest off.

The teenagers end up in a grotty backpackers hostel with a Christian for a guide to the seamier side of Amsterdam. He’s only there, of course, to turn people away from all the sin that is present in Amsterdam and in no way is he enjoying the proceedings. The boys could see him as their own personal Gladstone.  Mr Christian lectures them on STDs, whilst playing the guitar.

In the meanwhile, Mitzee has escaped. Something about a crash on the way to a mental hospital. She’s handcuffed to a woman almost as deranged as Mercy, but as things turn out, much nicer.

Brendan and Warren-son, apparently called Joel, kidnap Joel’s stepdad who, to be frank, isn’t very nice. Brendan beats him up, whilst dancing to Connie Francis singing Stupid Cupid. It’s very funny, in a very sick way. Later, when Evil Stepdad is thrashing around in Brendan’s car boot Brendan tells him off on the grounds that ‘you’re ruining a good song. That’s my favourite song that is.’

Unfortunately, Brendan’s relatives are not going to let him get away with kidnapping Evil Stepdad, who I think he intends to maim a bit whilst leaving Joel to do the actual killing, a bit like a cat teaches its kittens to kill. Actually, now I think of it, quite a lot like the way a cat teaches its kittens. So the magnificent Cheryl gets in the car with the kidnapped stepdad. Unaware of his presence, Cheryl sometimes asks what’s rolling around in the boot. However, she’s more preoccupied with the fact that her nan’s got cancer. We’re all used to nans conveniently having funerals. In Hollyoaks they inconveniently get cancer. Brendan’s plans for Stepdad will have to take a back seat, or a car boot even, to Cheryl’s need to see dying Nana.

On the way, they start playing the most surreal shopping list game I’ve ever come across. Apparently Brendan’s going to Paris and is taking, amongst other things, a stuffed seagull.

Dying Nan absconds with a horse and carriage. This is definitely on my list of things to do before I die. Or just Things To Do. The week goes on, and gets grizzlier.

Joel drops his stepfather from a lighthouse. I’m not sure it was deliberate but then again, I think the courts don’t generally accept ‘oops, butterfingers’ as an excuse, even in Hollyoaks. They might, even in Hollyoaks, ask why he was suspending his stepfather from a lighthouse in the first place.

Instead of leaving the corpse, or just dropping it further down the cliff, Brendan puts it back in the boot. Oh I don’t know. None of this is really logical. I don’t even know where they are, having drifted off, or perhaps spent slightly too long making a cup of tea during an ad break. They’re somewhere bleak, with a coast, near Chester, and there’s a funfair. Blackpool? They might be in Blackpool.

I skip some of Wednesday’s instalment. Mitzee has found Nancy. I think Nancy might be about to become the world’s worst getaway driver.

In the meantime, the teenagers have made it to Amsterdam without a minibus in sight. Lola as it turns out is not male but is a very attractive woman. Anyway Jonno walks in on Bart snogging Lola. ‘She’s mine Bart’, he shrieks. Oh for god’s sake. You don’t own the woman. Bart starts to have a really bad trip and goes green. Jonno fucks off and leaves him on the street. Nice. Jonno is so preoccupied he fails to notice a naked Neil cycling past him. Lola helps Bart. The Christian wanted to go along to the naked cycle ride, but only to stop the horror of it, obviously. Still no minibus, and the bad trip turns out not to be that bad.

Brendan’s Nanna appears to be sick too, apparently dying as Brendan is speeding away from the cops. I’m confused but I think Cheryl, Joel, Brendan and Nan are in the car, with Dead Evil Stepdad in the boot. At least he’s quiet now. If stopped, Brendan could at least say he was rushing to the hospital. Brendan tries this but the policeman is having none of it until the magnificent Cheryl tells him how it is. I get distracted, look up, and it looks like Dafoe will kill Nana. Sorry, my bad. Maybe I’m hallucinating. No, it’s Dafoe, and he’s angry.

So by Thursday night, Brendan and Dafoe are driving around with a dead stepdad in the boot. And I appear to be watching an episode of Skins. Or what I think Skins is. I never watched it. And Nancy is the pregnant getaway driver for two mental patients.

Somebody is one step ahead of someone, because the body is missing from the boot when the police get there. Brendan notices that Dafoe didn’t panic, which makes him suspicious.

The other mental patient wants to see her boyfriend so she can get pregnant, that’s why she broke out. But she’s still handcuffed to Mitzee. So Mitzee sits outside a car whilst her handcuffee is shagging in a car. Then she has to get in the car. Which is odd. Nanna’s just announced that she wants a threesome. Afterwards, when Mitzee says she really wants to get out of the handcuffs, turns out boyfriend could have got them out of the cuffs all along. Now there’s a surprise.

Then  it gets really grizzly and I feel like I should issue a channel 4 style warning, except they are pitifully inadequate. Next time, when they say I might get upset, I’ll take them more seriously. Turns out Brendan didn’t just ditch the body in the sea but is butchering it. Cheryl sees him and is sick. I agree.

So. Onto Friday. What fresh hell has Hollyoaks Later devised? Cheryl looks at Brendan and says why are you so calm?’ Whilst I’m thinking ‘how did you get the blood out of that shirt?’ Or, do you have lots of identical shirts.

Bart decides to stay in Amsterdam. His mate sees Lola with another man. Lola runs Bart a bath. You sense she’ll be gone by the time it’s full. Actually Bart all but drowns himself and Jonno saves him. All three teenagers get home in one piece. Not before the Christian got high on cookies and had a long conversation with a Jack Russell Terrier.

Away from the comic turn, we find out that Brendan’s father raped him. Nana tells Brendan she knew what was going on. Brendan blames his nan for not acting. I’m not sure that’s really fair. I blame his dad for what he did, not Nana for doing nothing. Brendan smothers Nana. I’m not happy. I’m not watching the late night specials again. Ever. You’re on your own.

Brendan trashes the house, unfortunately causing a gas leak. Really. Have some people no sense. Why is the gas on? Previously, Brendan did something mean with Dafoe’s phone. They call each other, Dafoe thinks Brendan’s a cop and says he thinks he’s trapped Brendan. Brendan says ‘I didn’t see that coming’ just as he gets blown to kingdom come.

Really, I’m sticking to the early evening stuff. And a quick update. Mercy’s kidnapped little baby Bobbie in a bid to get Dumbbell back. Dumbbell slept with Mitzee. After Mitzee and her mad friend had handcuffed Mercy and Dumbbell together. Brendan is OK but a bit singed and in a wheelchair. Dafoe’s playing Good Cop/ Mad Cop and is currently in a Mad phase. I’m going to bed early with cocoa. And finally, as Myra put it ‘Poor Mercy, she never has any luck on her wedding days’. Told you, I love the script writers.