Hollyoaks: your questions answered

So, it’s the week of Lynsey’s funeral (I know it’s normally spelled Lindsay but this is Hollyoaks) and with the whole Mercedes/ Bobby/ Mitzee/ Walker/ Silas plotline things are getting quite complicated. So here are some answers to the questions you’ve been searching on.

Well some of them, anyway. I can’t answer things like ‘what were the scriptwriters on’ or ‘they ate how much cheese and dreamt up what?’

Who killed Lynsey? And why?

The creepy doctor, the one with a mouth like a Nick Parker puppet. He was in love with Mercy and knew that Lynsey was on the verge of finding out that Mercy stalked herself, stabbed herself, and blamed Mitzee

How did Lynsey die?

Strangled with her very own scarf in Brendan’s flat. (It was the doctor, with the scarf, in the living room, now I come to think of it).

Who is Lynsey in Hollyoaks?

The childhood friend of Sheryl, strangled by the doctor. Please at least try to keep up.

Was Brendan married to Lynsey in Hollyoaks?

No. Now you’re just being silly. Although recently we found out that he did have a fling with her brother, so what do I know.

What does Brendan’s nan know?

Well not that much really given that she’s dead. But before death (it was Brendan, with his own bare hands, on the veranda) she confessed that she knew his father, her son, raped him. That was a particularly cheerful episode.

Is Brendan responsible for Lynsey’s death?

No, not really, though Sheryl still seems to be blaming him. He thought it might be to do with his gangland connections, but turns out that was just Joel and Theresa having a bit of a giggle with bullets and a Filofax. Don’t look at me, I don’t make this stuff up.

Who told the police about Lynsey’s murderer?

Jacqui. She just got suspicious of the doctor, his lying ways, and his really, really odd facial structure. Then she found Lynsey’s scarf in his office.

Did Ali kill Lynsey?

No. He’s not a murderer, that I know of. He is a serial cheat, philanderer and con merchant. Think of him as NFH, or Normal For Hollyoaks.

Who hilled Lunsey?

Say what? I’m going to put that down to dodgy autocorrect on someone’s mobile. Ditto ‘lincy hollocs’.

Does Mercedes get caught for Lynsey’s murder?

No, because she didn’t do it. Actually, scratch that. She didn’t murder Lynsey but this is Hollyoaks and a little thing like innocence never stopped them from locking anyone up. But no, she didn’t get caught anyway.

Where was Will?

Ah, now Will was being manipulated by mass murderer Silas (last seen boarding a bus in a fetching beige ensemble). Will was arrested and Texas was convinced it was him but turns out that actually he was just out stalking a random woman he met on the internet, at Silas’s instigation (both the stalking and the meeting).

Could Lynsey come back on Hollyoaks?

Doubt it. The scriptwriters are odd but this isn’t Dr Who and they’ve yet to do either resurrection or timey wimey stuff. I suppose she could haunt Brendan for a bit though.

Why did Joel murder his step dad?

Mainly because his stepdad was an abusive git, but also because Brendan egged him on. Actually Joel didn’t murder him so much as accidentally drop him off a lighthouse. Ok, so dangling someone from a lighthouse isn’t that clever in the first place but it was more manslaughter than murder. Honest.

Who shot Riley

Or Dumbbell, as I usually call him. It was Walker (Dafoe-alike). Walker was aiming for Ste, in order to get revenge on Brendan for the death of his brother. And this is why we shouldn’t give guns to cops. I’m not entirely sure where Walker is at the moment. Possibly on a bus with Silas.

Why did Mercedes kidnap Bobby?

Well. Mitzee was on the run and slept with Riley. Mercedes found out and decided to punish Riley so she kidnapped Bobby and demanded a ransom. It wasn’t the best thought out plan and she left Phoebe holding the baby. When Phoebe realised what was happening she told the McQueens what was going on. Mercy is now locked up somewhere, after Myra grassed her to the police. The McQueens are now going straight. Apart from Jacqui and Theresa who are shoplifting using Kathleen Angel as a cover and then selling on the loot.

I think that’s about it for now. After the funeral, there’s a wedding . In Hollyoaks that does not bode well, but does provide comic fodder.

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