Hollyoaks: Lynsey’s Murder part deux

So, Silas is now out, having faked a fit and then coshed the blackmailing doctor. I don’t know who was responsible, whether it was the police or the prison guards. Silas was left in the care of Tweedledum and Tweedledee, who didn’t think to handcuff him to the bed, so it’s not really surprising that he got out. I couldn’t help but think of Hannibal Lecter and the lengths he had to go to to get out of a gimp mask and a cage. Silas had it easy, meaning we have a mass murderer on the loose in the wake of the murder of Lynsey.

Here are the suspects:

The Tashtastic Brendan: first to find the strangled body of Lynsey, dead in his flat. She’d been looking for a holiday in Portugal, a seemingly innocent activity. There was no build up or warning and even Brendan managed to walk past her corpse whilst talking to her, so it’s fair to say her murder was a bit of a surprise. No-one other than the police think The Tashtastic One did it, so he probably didn’t.

The Tash’s mobster enemies: Now this is tricky. I’d rather not say that Hollyoaks is beyond my understanding, but really it is beyond my understanding. So, The Tashmeister sent Son of Warren to do some dodgy drugs deal. SoW was stabbed by dodgy drugs dealers and nearly died. The Moustache, in a revenge attack, put one of them in a coma. The comatose mobster then died (I told you, Chester’s suburbs are dangerous). So the mobsters are seeking revenge against Brendan and may have killed Lynsey, mistaking her for Sheryl. Easy mistake to make if you’re purblind and drug addled, one of them being a petite brunette, the other a statuesque blonde.

Silas: actually in jail at the time. May have astral planed out to commit murder. I’ve been trying to work out who he reminds me of and then I realised. It’s as if someone didn’t like the John Major they had in grey, sent him back, and got another one in beige. No matter what colour the things Silas wears actually are, they all develop a beige aura. Now I think of it, perhaps he didn’t astral plane. Perhaps someone got hold of the John Major Spitting Image puppet, spray painted it in Landlord Beige and clothed it in cast offs from Lakeland. Then they could have put that in prison, the guards wouldn’t have noticed, and they could have sprung Silas.

Will aka Dopey: arrested by the police, currently out on bail. Decided he was going to make money by writing a book about Silas. Was manipulated by the Beige Ninja. Will is apparently the intelligent one in his family. This worries me. No idea where he was when Lynsey was killed, wandering the streets somewhere with no CCTV and no google streetmap cameras apparently. I don’t know where this is, but I’d quite like to know for future reference.

Brendan’s psychopathic friend: So apparently Dafoe-alike knew Australian Ally in a previous life. Lynsey found out. Just possible the Dafoe-esque one strangled her. If you’re a betting person, a good outsider.

Mercedes: Currently 3 to 1 on. Got let of hospital in time to kill Lynsey, though the doctor covered up this information for her. I’m not sure why he bothered since Hollyoaks police think 2 + 2 = pi. Given that she was in hospital for stabbing herself and then framing Mitzeee she’s highly qualified. Also, if found guilty she’d get to spend more time with her mother who’s in jail for growing pot. Except Myra didn’t grow the pot, her nephew did. I think. My head hurts.

Ally aka that one from Neighbours. Provided one of my favourite comic moments when Mr Tashmagoria stood next to him and just said ‘Jesus, you’re huge’. Could be him. Repeatedly tells stories about how his sister was raped and he got there too late to save her/ he was a doctor in Iraq and got there too late to save someone/ World War III was about to break out and he got there too late to stop it/ vampires killed his favourite werewolf and he got there too late. Ach. It probably wasn’t him. He’d only have got there too late.

The Blackmailing Doctor: a latecomer to the party but I have my suspicions. Has a weird thing about Mercedes. Knew she didn’t like Lynsey. Didn’t really like Lynsey himself. Supposedly on shift when it happened. A good outside bet, with shortening odds.

So the escapee, a veritable rampage in pale taupe, went straight round to see Texas. The police, unlike practically everybody else, were unable to work out that was where he would go. Texas cried a lot. Silas turned the air around him a fetching shade of pale magenta. He tied Texas to a chair (really, is this early evening viewing? In my day it was Blue Peter and you were grateful for it). Dodgy came round and banged on the door, and then left, apparently unable to work out that Texas might just be in trouble. Seems Dopey really is the bright one in the family. I predict a career in the police for Dodgy.

Then Silas donned a hat in fetching straw colour and left Texas to be rescued by the Gay American. Darren, never the brightest bulb, told a journalist that Dumbbell the footballer really has been going out with cousin Mitzeee thereby picking up a plot thread the scriptwriters seemed to have forgotten.

Will finally confessed to Nancy Drew, who’s proving not to be as wooden as I first thought, where he was when Lynsey was killed. Proving that he really is Dumbo, Will was acting on the instructions of the Camel-coloured Assassin and using the Biscuit Hitman of Hollyoaks’s best stalking tips to entice a woman to meet him. Turns out, Will’s sole witness on the day of Lynsey’s murder is a woman who caught him videoing her. Fair play to the scriptwriters. Now Will’s only hope of redemption is to find the girl he was stalking and have her act as witness for him to prove he isn’t a mad, murdering stalker.


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