Spamtasmagoria: Or, in honour of spam

I say ‘honour’ but I mean more ‘point and laugh at’. And by ‘spam’ I mean junk emails, not spiced ham. So I apologise if you came here looking for exciting recipes for cold meats.

Normal internet users (if that’s not an oxymoron) leave comments on blogs because, well, they want to comment on the blog. Spammers attempt to leave fake comments in the hope that you will click on their user name, follow them around, visit their website and then spend money on there.

The spam is generally filtered off into a separate folder so that I can check it to see if some of it is publishable. You’ve got to give some of them marks for trying – they do attempt to look as if they’re leaving real comments. In fact, I’m not just going to give them points, I thought I would give some of them spamtastic awards. So without further ado:

In the Best User Name category we have ‘Osama Bin Laden is Dead’ – it’s not just spam, it’s a free newsflash. However, according to OBLD my last write up was great, and:

Exactly where else could anyone get that type of details in these a ideal way of writing? I have a presentation subsequent week, and I’m on the look for such information and facts.

Which is nice. Presumably he’s got a presentation on tendon injuries in horses. Or maybe on fixing punctures. Or drowned hamsters, who knows. Whichever, I hope it goes well for him.

The award for Sheer Bloody-minded Persistence has to go to whoever it is who repeatedly sends me this message:

Me & my neighbour were preparing to do some research about that. We received a very good book on that matter from our local library and most books where not as influensive as your facts. I am very glad to see such information and facts which I was searching for a lengthy time

I’m glad he’s found some facts in my blog as I certainly don’t remember putting them there. I’m also curious about the insight this gives into a world in which you and your neighbour go around researching together, instead of basically ignoring each other until you walk into them in Sainsburys at which point you end up blinking desperately at them and wondering where you’ve seen them before and if maybe they’re oojimaflip off the telly before that embarrassed moment when you realise that your walls are that thin that you know how often this person has sex and what time they get up for a pee. But you don’t know enough to recognise them in the supermarket. Instead, here is a world in which neighbours prepare quaint little projects together.

For Hopeless Naivety we have:

Where else could anybody get that type of data in these a ideal way of writing? I’ve a presentation next week, and I’m to the appear for these data.

Really? I don’t think you should believe everything you read on the internet. Or even any of it. In the meantime, here’s a stat for your boss: 50% of employees lift stuff off the internet instead of doing their own work.

And in the Sheer Cheek Of It category we have ‘Family Law Solicitors’ who have requested:

If feasible, as you gain expertise, would you mind updating your blog with much more facts? It is extremely useful for me

No. Sod off and do your own research.

First for Sheer Oddity we have:

In theory I’d like to create like this also – getting time and actual effort to make a fantastic piece of writing… but what can I say… I procrastinate alot and by no means appear to obtain a thing done.

It’s not so much what he’s saying, as the fact that he is apparently trying to sell me rubber car mats in the process.

In Trying To Provoke A Discussion Through Rudeness we have:

I must say, as significantly as I enjoyed reading what you had to say, I couldnt help but lose interest after a while. Its as if you had a great grasp on the topic matter, but you forgot to include your readers. Perhaps you should think about this from far more than 1 angle. Or maybe you shouldnt generalise so significantly. Its better if you think about what others may have to say instead of just going for a gut reaction to the subject. Think about adjusting your own thought process and giving others who may read this the benefit of the doubt.

Really? Well at least I know where to find an apostrophe. As for adjusting my own thought process, I would like to come up with a witty, erudite and well thought out comeback to this. But the best I can come up with is ‘bog off’. And stop trying to sell me plumbing.

The winners of the Scattergun And Hope Approach are, who else, but ‘insurance information reviews’ with this:

Your weblog is good visually, I mean people wont be bored. But others who can see past the videos and the layout wont be so impressed with your generic understanding of this subject.

Nice try but there isn’t a single video on here.

The You What? award goes to someone trying to sell me a gluten-free Palaeolithic diet. I’m not absolutely sure what our Palaeolithic ancestors ate but I’m fairly sure it was whatever they could get their teeth into, gluten free or not.

The I Ran This Through Babelfish Once Too Often Award goes to:

Resources these as the 1 you mentioned here will be extremely helpful to myself! I’ll publish a hyperlink to this page on my individual blog. I’m certain my site visitors will uncover that very valuable.


Last but not least, the My It’s Dark When You’ve Shoved Your Head Up Someone’s Arse Award goes to the writer of this little gem:

Ive been meaning to read this and just never got a chance. Its an issue that Im incredibly interested in, I just started reading and Im glad I did. Youre a terrific blogger, one of the ideal that Ive seen. This weblog unquestionably has some info on subject that I just wasnt aware of. Thanks for bringing this stuff to light.


2 thoughts on “Spamtasmagoria: Or, in honour of spam

  1. Just found your blog through reading an old article about the demise of GUT. I never knew you were a fellow blogger, albeit one a bit more active than I am at present. Hope you’re well, x

  2. Many researches for my paper and your spam is best to me. Thanks for my knowledge and intelligent sharing. PS. I have some clever nice bathroom tiles for selling. And if you have sofa bed I could swap.

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